My daughter is no different in this regard. Throughout her years she has had several different special interests. One of these was volcanoes. She still likes them, but not with the same intensity as before. She would research volcanoes around the world and could tell you about types and names of volcanoes that most people have never heard of. A few years ago, as a reward for working hard in school, we took a memorable trip to Mount St. Helens so we could see a real volcano. One of her dreams now is to visit (or live in) Hawaii and go to the Volcanoes National Park so she can see an active volcano with lava.
Recently my daughter’s special interests have turned to local sports teams; it seemed to happen overnight. One day she was complaining about us watching boring games on TV and then the next thing I know she’s a die-hard University football fan and a loyal fan of our local NBA team. She knows most of the players on these teams and who’s injured or who’s graduating or who’s being traded and when their seasons start and end and who they’re playing and what their records are against other teams, etc. She’s not just a fan, but she also despises the competition and is very vocal about it. We dread when her team loses because it makes for a very difficult evening for us with lots of anger and emotion.
We enjoy that our daughter has some outside interests and that she can relate to other sports fans and enjoy some comradery. However, sometimes this intense focus can lead to social problems when others don’t share the same opinions as she or when she doesn’t talk about anything else. For instance, she has to try really hard to overlook the fact that many of her friends and family don’t like the same teams she likes. Some think this is cute or endearing, but for her it is personal and serious. There’s a boy at her special needs school who is an intense fan of a rival team and the two of them together are a toxic mix. They have difficulty tolerating each other.
Another challenge that arises is that our daughter struggles to discuss anything else besides her sports teams. I’ve noticed that it can create awkward social situations because others tire of the subject or they don’t delve into the details as much as she does or they don’t know how to be polite and change the subject. Sometimes she doesn’t let them add their thoughts and she talks over them. As her parent, this can be difficult for me to watch, because I see how hard she tries to be social and fit in, but she often stumbles.
So from a parent’s perspective, I have some advice. In our society, we are taught to be polite and kind and accepting to people with special needs. Sometimes this is translated to mean letting them do whatever they want and ignoring inappropriate behaviors because you don’t want to be perceived as intolerant or cruel. I think this works if you have very little interaction with the person with special needs, however, it’s not so effective if you have regular contact with the person. I don’t consider it kind to endure or put-up with certain behaviors or conversations and pretend to be listening or to be a friend when in reality you dread the interaction or want to get away. I think the kind thing to do is to use what I consider “loving honesty.” If you’re one of the people that sincerely enjoys the conversation despite the social faux pas, then keep it up and thank you for your patience. However, if you find the conversation awkward or frustrating then may I suggest trying the following lines or something similar:
“I sure love you, but can we talk about something else?”
“I have five more minutes to talk about this and then let’s change the subject, ok?”
“I remember when you told me about this last week. Has something new happened?”
“Do you want to know what I think about it?”
“Wait! You’re so excited, you didn’t let me finish what I was saying.”
Using loving honesty will hopefully make the interaction more enjoyable for you and for the person with ASD, like my daughter. She is capable of learning and could use some guidance along the way.
