Can't you see me?

     There's a touching scene in a movie called The Other Sister that I watched before I had kids.  That scene is recalled to my mind often now as I try to balance teaching my children what I think they need vs. trying to preserve their own individuality and independence.  This is especially true with my daughter MG.  In the movie, Carla, a daughter with some unspecified mental and social "handicaps" confronts her mother about seeing her for who she is and basically accepting her and what she wants.  It was very moving and thought provoking.  She yells at her mother (at her sister's reception), "I'm just me, Mom!  Can't you see me?  You never look at me!"

    Sometimes I wonder if while doing all of the many things for my daughter to help her get along in this world, if I'm really seeing who she is?  I often frustrate her with my requests to do things that are "normal" or "socially acceptable" which she would care not to do or doesn't think about.  Please don't talk with your mouth full of food.  Please wipe your hands on a napkin.  Please lower your voice.  Please put on a clean pair of pants.  Please sit still.  Please don't use that tone of voice.  Please stop asking so many questions.  Please don't interrupt. Please pay attention.  Please give those people some space.  Please don't talk to strangers.  Please keep those thoughts to yourself, and on and on and on.  Do I see her or do I see the food stuck in her teeth?  Do I see her or do I see the smudges on her clothes? Do I see her or do I see the unkempt hair?  Do I see her or do I see the missing sock?  Do I see her or do I see the person I want her to be?

     In MG's diagnostic report from the psychologist there is a section with recommendations.  One of these says, 

"MG is likely to benefit from hearing, on average, 8 praise statements for each reprimand she hears. The general recommendation for typically-developing children is 4 praise statements for every single negative statement about their behavior.  To account for the number of negative statements children with learning disabilities hear, it is desirable for adults in positions of authority to make every effort to increase the number of positive statements beyond the number from which typically-developing children are likely to benefit."

When I read that, I realized that I had a whole lot of praising to catch up on and I still do.  Sometimes in my over-zealous attempts to correct my daughter,  I actually might be overlooking her heart and soul.  The words of one of my religious leaders serve as a prudent reminder for me:  "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." (President Thomas S. Monson, Finding Joy in the Journey, Oct. 2008)