Designed Chaos

     Throughout our autism journey we've heard several times from kind people, "God gave you your daughter because you are strong or you can handle it or you are special or He trusts you."  I recognize the virtue and support of these comments and being a person of Faith I agree in God's plan and purposes. However, it very well may be the fact that our daughter has autism because of my husband and me.  I don't say this in a guilt stricken or self deprecating way.  Autism probably has a genetic component and we are all combinations of the genes from our parents for better or worse.  Having children is a game of chance with abnormalities being a real possibility.  In the future we may be able to manipulate the genes or "fix" some of these things, but at least for autism this isn't available right now.

     There also may be environmental factors involved with autism. Did I do something while I was pregnant to cause this?  Did I get sick with a virus?  Did I breathe in too many chemicals at work? Is there too much pollution in the air where I live?  Did the preservatives and toxins in my food cause this?  Did her pre-term birth at 35 weeks have something to do with it?  Maybe.  There are many areas of research going on right now pointing to different possibilities.   http://www.autismspeaks.org/science

          I'm not sure that God made my daughter autistic.  I do think that he allows the disorder, chaos, randomness, pains, hardships, and trials of life to teach us and refine us.  These things help us to look outside ourselves for help and understanding and to be grateful for the good things in life. I wasn't expecting to have a child with developmental problems nor can I say that we were initially well equipped to handle it.  Some of the behaviors surrounding autism are a struggle for her and us.  There are times when my own weaknesses and ignorance are probably a setback for my daughter.  But we're learning; she's learning.  Autism has given us a new perspective.  We are different, better people as a result.

     So to God I say, "Thank you.  Thank you for the opportunities for growth and expansion.  Thank you for our daughter.  Bless her with peace and happiness.  Grant us the insight & education to help her.  Make us fit for the job.  Enlarge our hearts.  Increase our patience.  Strengthen us.  Lead us."